My lesson: You can forgive someone’s behavior, but you don’t have to accept it.
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This day brings all kinds of emotions that have taken me a long time to find the words to. When you don’t have a dad or a dad figure in your life that has stayed and who has not betrayed you, it gives you this hole. It gives you a loud voice in your mind that there is something wrong with you. You begin to ask; what did I do wrong. Is it me? How can I fix this. Then you realize you are trying to do everything in your personal power to please them. To gain them back. To help them. Love them where they’re at. But your dad just doesn’t look at you like a father should their little girl. Your dad doesn’t protect you like a father should. Then that hole gets even bigger and louder.
This may come across as very harsh to some, but I know I am not alone. I had come to the conclusion that I needed to disown my own biological father. I had to give myself permission to no longer be hurt by him. I had to give my heart permission to know that I am lovable even if it’s not by my own father. I had to build healthy boundaries. Why? My own father has done the unspeakable. I had to show him there are consequences. Which means he lost a daughter. Believe me, this decision did not come easy. Not everyone knows the full story. Those that are close to me know. They know the work I put in in trying to do the whole “forgiveness” thing. You know the saying “honor thy father thy mother” …. (Matthew 19:19) I really was fighting for that, believe me. But my soul knew the bond God attended to be there was broken and the act was unforgiveable.
Just hearing that word unforgiveable seem powerful. It is. Here’s the question I kept asking myself. How can you forgive someone’s most hatful act they could ever do to you to where your life would never be the same? My answer. You see their brokenness. I have learned people’s behaviors are their emotions acting out loud without words. You can forgive someone’s behavior, but you don’t have to accept it. For years I tried to understand the why behind his actions. To the point where I was hoping I would find the answers I wanted to hear. The day I realized I had to create a healthy boundary not just for me but for my kids I felt a sense of loss and peace at the same time. It was like I finally let someone die that was just barely hanging on to life and I let them die in peace.
Not everyone will understand this and that is ok. Creating that boundary gave me the strength I needed to heal. It gives me a clearer understanding of what my worth is. Your healing journey is your own. Now allow yourself to heal too.