Updated: Jan 9
Welcome to My Blog! Healing with Katie
Why should I heal?
How do you answer that? For me it took me a long time to find my WHY, " Why should I heal?" At first, I would say I had to do it for my kids. The second was I did not want to end up like my mother. When I say these two reasons now it makes me sad. Deep down I knew I needed a stronger reason. But then I stated questioning myself. Why is that not good enough? Healing and making myself a better person for my kids seemed at first to be a great reason. Now especially when I said for the very first time " I want to be the mom I never had." I cried saying those words, but that's how I felt.
See my mother committed suicide when I was only 7 years old. I did not have a mom. When I used the words, "I wanted to be the mom I never had", I really meant it. I wanted to be there for my kids. I want them to know me. I want them to feel how much I care. Just being there for them for the little/big things like rubbing their heads when they are sick. Feeding them dinner. Going on school field trips with them. Really just watching them get excited to come home to see me, to tell me about some amazing day they had. Or for them to have something traumatic happen and I was there to show them they were not alone. I did not have that.
I did not have my mom there to rub my head when I was sick. She did not go on any school field trips. I didn't have her to run home to sharing my amazing news with her. When I had traumatic event happen to me, I did not have her there to listen. When I had my first baby I cried because my mom was not there. Ya ya some would say, well she is always with you in spirit. That's not the same. I did not want to hear that as a little girl. "Your mom is in your heart." All I wanted to do was touch her, hear her voice, talk to her.
That still was not enough to be my WHY. Why should I heal? The funny thing about this question is we ignore the "I" in the question. I, meaning me/you. I need to heal for myself. Because I deserve to heal. Because I want to heal. Because I know who I really am. What happened to me does not define who I am. I know my kids are watching. I know my kids will learn from my actions but that should not be the main reason why I should heal.
I know I should heal because losing my mom to suicide was not my fault.
I know I should heal because when I was sexually abused, it was not my fault.
Learning I was not what happened to me. Learning I am a human that had bad events happen to me. That does not define who I am. It doesn't make a less of a person. It doesn't make me less lovable. I had to acknowledge that bad things happened, I did not have to accepted it. The reason why saying that to myself was very important because accepting meant to me that I was ok with what happened, and I was not. But using the word acknowledge meant that I recognized that bed things had happened.
So going back to that question "Why should I heal?" Because I am a person worthy of love, patience and happiness. I am healing because I am the only one that can make myself reach my full potential. No one can chase my dreams for me. No one can truly know me but ME.
Heal for YOU!